Copyright 2015 – Stephen Redgwell
I had to pee, but it wasn’t a humdrum, “I think I’ll heigh-ho to the urinal and pee” sort of evacuation. No-no, it wasn’t like that at all. It was the kind of colossal urge one gets after watching footage of the world’s great waterfalls on the National Geographic channel.
Even that description seems inadequate! To say my need was that trifling would be apocryphal.
I felt a great stirring. I would deliver a voluminous, potent and irrevocable release that I suspected the devout would speak of with awe and reverence, long into the future.
It could not be measured with a flow meter. It would be an indefatigable, long lasting and fierce stream, the like of which would shatter old fashioned porcelain. The sheer power of this unstoppable fluid would shake the earth to its very core.
It is said that God made granite to stand against the force of such energy. I wanted to believe, but had my doubts. Was this the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object? And if it was time for the world to be cut into pieces by some raging yellow torrent, what would become of humanity?
From the icy cold, mountain streams of the Rockies, to the vast glaciers of our great northern wilderness and beyond, nothing could stop this insuperable vigour once it was unleashed. No power on earth could repel it or cause it to diminish.
It truly was the pee about which legends would be told.
For such a gush to be allowed to run free, I needed the solitude of Ontario’s beautiful boreal forests. Go north, young man! I drove for several hours until I came upon the place that would be my altar of unencumbered urination.
The solitude was inspirational. I was overcome by the beauty and balance of the land. Fresh, pure air filled my lungs and stirred me to begin.
The thunder rolled. The earth shook. And I peed.
When it was over, I stared into the night sky, hoping that I had not knocked the universe akimbo. But I needn’t have worried. The moon was still the moon, and it continued to light up the darkness. The animals called out to me, saying that all was as it should be. The great cosmic rhythm remained unchanged. I had felt the great release and was spent, but happy.
And I smiled.