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Editorial: The Bog

Copyright 2010 - Stephen Redgwell

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Editorial: The Bog
The Nugget Community News

Copyright 2010 - Stephen Redgwell
 
Access for all is a cornerstone of The Nugget's founder, J. Suggs Biffy. It has guided our editorial policy since 1891. In keeping with 'One community, many voices', this week's guest columnist is Septic Technician, Nelford Beardsley.
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 The Bog

I’ve noticed that people on most huntin' and shootin' forums spend far too much time arguin' about how their off the rack Remington 700 or Savage Model 10 shoots.

They agonize too much over loads. I’m tired of readin' things like, “If I change my powder load by 0.3 of a grain, how much more downrange energy will I gain? Will my load be more accurate?” Blah, blah, blah. What a waste of time and bandwidth.

Let's talk about the part of a huntin' trip that is usually overlooked - the bog!

Verily, there is nothin' finer than an unhurried, unscheduled movement, free from work, children, or the call of your wife, wonderin' what you’re doin'.

A real man puts his huntin' latrine outside, downwind from the trailer or cabin where he sleeps, but in close proximity to the beer cooler. It must be a quiet place, where a man can go to contemplate life. It has to be a peaceful outdoor chapel where he can sit and meditate or, as he gets older, judge how loud he can fart.

Outdoor toilets don't have to be fancy, but they have to be functional. Padded toilet seats are a nice touch, as is dry toilet paper. A roof is preferable, both to keep the sun off your head for comfortable daytime dumpage, or at night, when the rain is pourin' down.

It is nice to have a small table inside for your toilet paper, outdoor magazines and beer. Most young people just don't understand the importance of thirty year old copies of Field and Stream lyin' around the throne, waitin' to be rediscovered! For guys that return to the same hunt camp (and privy) year after year, the memories associated with these publications are truly special.

Crappers that have been in use for many years are often the topic of conversation. Examples include: The time Bill didn't quite make it to the toidy after eatin' his wife's chili; the night that Kerry had a bear sniffin' around while he was indisposed; the year Joe passed out inside, and slept there all night with his pants around his ankles.

Women don't understand the importance of the outdoor loo. That's because there's no place to put their makeup, brushes and other junk. Insects bother them. They complain about smells. The complaints are illogical! Come on, use your head! When you’re at home and bored, ask yourself, why did they put a waste disposal site in the same building where you cook food?

Ever since man moved the outhouse inside, there has been nothin' but trouble. People spend too much time doin' things that absolutely should not be done anywhere near a toilet! They lounge around in the bath. Teenagers spend half their life starin' in the mirror, or flushin' who knows what down the bowl, stoppin' up drains and generatin' outrageous plumbin' bills. Wives insist on redecoratin', which costs big money for a place where you go Number Two! This money is better spent on a new pickup.

Guys, it's time to erect a tent in your backyard in the off season and exercise your God given right to uninterrupted evacuations. 

Long live the bog!